a blog for creative entrepreneurs, healers, activists, social change and social justice workers to get unstuck, deal with stress, start a business and make money while making a difference

Are you tripping over the stones that are there to guide you?

I want a lot of things in my life right now.

In January, I left my home of 13 years (New York City) to start a new chapter of my life in the Bay (San Francisco). And even though I enjoy daily bike rides, I want a car now.

Two weeks ago, I was days away from finally finishing my undergraduate degree after a looooong break. I wanted my papers to write themselves and an “A” on all my finals. Guaranteed. Well, I didn’t get the “A” put I passed. My degree was in my hand for 3 seconds before I thought: I want a full time job. Now. Why hasn’t anyone called me? (Feels so ungrateful to admit that! 3 seconds?)

I want to sleep in every morning. A practice full of clients I enjoy. Bikram yoga everyday. A West African dance class I love. Mastery over samba. And a passionate partnership with a man who can match my inner goddess with his inner god. I want to work from home. Money overflowing in my bank account. The flexibility to chaperone field trips with my son’s class. (Without getting permission from a supervisor). And the time (and energy) to finally learn to crotchet a dress. And…I want it now.

I’ve always wanted more in life. No matter how happy I am with where my life is, new desires always crop up and pull me along this journey called life. The trick I’ve learned (after a debilitating duet with depression) is that enjoying the journey entails having the wisdom to know when to accept the things you can’t change and when to bravely take action to control the things you can.

What can you change?

There are basically 4 things that prevent you from having what you want:

not knowing what you want
not realizing you really want something else more
not believing you can have it
not knowing how to get it

Knowing what you want
I’m fascinated by GPS. It’s amazing how it calculates where you are, helps you locate yourself, then shows you how to get to where you want to go once you put in the address.

The first step in getting what you want is telling yourself the truth about where you are now. Then getting really clear about where you want to go. And putting in the address.

Each time I’ve fallen in love, I was clear I’d found the man I was going to marry, have babies with and get grey on. And each time I held on too tightly, for too long after it became clear the relationship was no good for me.

Many heartbreaks and sleepless nights brought me the realization that what I wanted wasn’t these men; what I really wanted was the life I thought I’d have with them. The security, love, acceptance, passion, excitement, satisfaction I had pinned onto these relationships is something I had forgotten I was responsible for creating for myself. As long as I tied having these things to someone else, I was setting myself up to be a powerless victim who could only be happy when he called or be in denial when he cheated.

A lot of the things we think we want aren’t really what we want. You don’t really want a million dollars. What you really want is freedom to live your life without feeling limited. And of course the million dollars would be great too.

Think about a goal that you have. Then ask yourself, why do you want it? And why do you want that? And how will that make you feel? Bingo! That’s what you really want. At the root of all your goals, is a desire to feel a certain way. When you get clear on this feeling, you get hold on one thing you can control in the situation. How you’re going to feel.

So in my relationship, I started asking myself, what makes me feel secure, loved, accepted, passionate, excited, satisfied? Music, dancing, making stuff with my hands, spending time with my son, writing, reading, eating good food…You get the picture. Doing these things while I was in my last relationship relationship, gave me the strength to sadly walk away from the man I thought I wanted and the drama I knew I didn’t. It put me back in the driver’s seat.

Not realizing you want something else more

Sometimes I lie to myself. I say I want a life partner when what I really want is to fantasize about the intimacy I could be enjoying if my man would only get over his fear of commitment. The truth is I’m just as afraid of intimacy and prefer the security of not having to risk my heart and not having to feel the hurt of not getting what I want.

Or I say I want a job with benefits when what I really want is to work for myself. The truth is I’m afraid to risk selling my services and discovering no one will want to buy from me. I don’t really want to work for someone else right now. (No surprise no one’s calling!)

Sometimes what we’re afraid of outweighs what we say we want. So we exhaust ourselves running round in circles then get to give up and say: “Well I gave it my all and it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Maybe we’re always getting exactly what it is we want more?

Not believing you can have it

The sneakiest thing about beliefs is that they’re invisible but they show up in the circumstances and environment around you. So you can feel their presence but you can’t see them. Until you look. Inside.

Sometimes the only thing between having you want and living in limbo is the belief that you can have it. Some bold entrepreneurs can find a new client in 24 hours with no list, no website and no brochure. Others feel that their website design isn’t up to par, so they hold back on retweeting their latest blog post and put their business on hold.

Chris Anthony did such a beautiful job breaking this down last week. All I have to add is “Yeah! What he said!” I highly recommend you read it here. It’s a mind-shifter!

Not knowing how to get it

We live in the age of information overload. You can literally find out how to do anything (with a little resourcefulness and a whole bunch of time) online. So how can we not not know how to get what we want?

Because it’s easy to be overwhelmed! There are so many “shoulds” and “gurus” out there, we forget that we’re the only expert in our life. At the end of the day, we have to sort through all the valuable information we receive and decide what makes the most sense for us.

And we’re afraid to do this. We’re afraid of making mistakes. Of looking bad. Of failing publicly. So we try on the latest step-by-step secret formula even though it’s a couple sizes too big in the waist and doesn’t give our hips enough breathing room.

The only secret to how we get what we want is that we have to learn to trust ourselves. We have to ruthlessly sift through all the good stuff and pick out what suits us and our goals. We have to trust our GPS and know that if we miss our turn, it will faithfully re-route us so we end up where we want to go. Even if it means taking the scenic route. We can still crank up the music and enjoy the ride.

Share in the comments what’s been stopping you from getting what you really want.

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Inner View of the Entrepreneurial Path with the Inspiring Jade Craven

Inner View of the Entrepreneurial Path is an interview series with successful entrepreneurs who bravely share the ups and downs of building their businesses. My hope is that as we hear more and more of these stories, we bootstrapping, up-and-coming entrepreneurs will come to see our business challenges as part of the process rather than a sign to give up on our dreams. Enjoy!

For people who don’t know you, could you share about your businesses? Who do you serve in each of them and how do you help them?

Our business has evolved so technically we have one business, with two freelancers doing their own thing. My best friend, Bill Journee, and I decided to join forces and offer social media help to small businesses.

We soon realized that we were rocking it doing our own things so have turned the services site into a ‘network’ of sorts. We are going to create a whole bunch of sites that can help small businesses but we are giving those ideas time while we work on my site. Bill does a lot of freelance web design as part of this.

In our heads, we treat my site as a different business because it serves a different audience. Its people that are part of the online blogging community and want to learn more about how to connect and influence people. This part of the business is a lot funner and means I can help more people without asking for money.

How did you go from dealing with severe anxiety to becoming a rock-star connector?

The truth is that I’ve never stopped dealing with the severe anxiety. I pushed through the anxiety to help people early last year.

Basically, Darren from Problogger gave me my first real break when I did a review of Dave Navarro’s “How To Launch” Product. Dave and I became friends, and I kept experimenting on twitter and with product reviews. I soon learned I had a real knack for connecting. I was able to keep track of what everyone was up to, notice patterns and remember the best way of communicating with someone.

People started talking behind the scenes and sending people my way. I also reached out and tried to help them. I did all this while battling some bad problems in my personal life. I worked hard when I could and withdrew when I needed to.

I’ve really only started to make real traction in the last month. I’ve made that many changes that people think otherwise. Finding my purpose really helped me manage the anxiety and the past 2 months have been a lot of fun.

Was there a defining moment where you made the decision: “I’m going to do this entrepreneur thing and make it work.”

I wouldn’t say there was a defining moment as such. Moreso, there was a realization over a period of time that I would have a lot of difficulty in full time employment. When the anxiety plays up, I lose some language, comprehension and people skills. I have techniques to deal with this but it is harder to do when around people. I assumed I’d have to scrap by on low paid, part time work.

Then last year I started to earn trickles of affiliate income and get compensated for high profile reviews. I knew I could make this work but I just didn’t know how. I didn’t figure out how until about a month ago. And, in the space of a few short weeks, I’m now earning consistent income. I now truly believe I can make this work and be able to help out friends, support charities and not have to hustle so hard.

People comment on how helpful you are as well as your honesty and authenticity. Where do you find the courage to speak your truth?

I used to hide my anxiety and personal problems. Eventually it started eating me up. I felt like such a flake because I couldn’t keep track of all my friends and had to drop some responsibilities. Eventually, I started being honest. I revealed parts of the truth.

People have commented that ‘airing my dirty laundry’ is unprofessional, but they don’t know about the bad stuff that I’ve kept offline. There has been so much really, really bad stuff that has happened. The main reason I did that post about screwing up was so I could publicly apologize.

I then wrote a couple of guest posts where I was so tired, that I would write honestly about hustling or how I’d accomplished certain things. I realized that people liked seeing that I was just a normal person and starting engaging with me more. I am very careful with how much I share but I like to talk about what I’ve learned as it can save others from making the same mistakes.

You shared recently about your response to a pending eviction and how you turned it into an opportunity to grow your business. How did you make this happen?

It happened by necessity. I had managed to avoid reality for 2 years. I was in a very good situation there – really cheap rent – and was sorta just cruising by without an action plan. I then got told I was evicted and I realized that I wouldn’t be able to afford a rental. I’d invested my savings into my work, was pulling 60-70 hour weeks, had no savings and no regular income.

I cried. I cried so hard the night I found out. The next day, I started calling for favors. Testimonials, ideas, leads. Dave and I had been talking about working together for a while but we made it official. I started working smarter, not harder, and started seeing a lot more traction. I took action on things that were scaring me like starting an email list.

It’s been a tough few weeks, but I find I shine when I’m shoved in a corner. I really hope nothing like this happens for a while though.

I love what you shared about aiming to be more present vs. more social on and offline. Could you talk some more about that & give folks tips on how to translate that into how they are in the social media world?

Iggy Pintado and I came up with this idea as we were heading to a conference. I was staying with his lovely family and they, er, don’t share my love of going to bed really early. So, we were in the car and I may have jokingly yelled “but I don’t waaaaanna be social.” That led to a discussion of social vs presence.

I hate being social. This when you break the ice with someone you have no connection with. Its awkward and really draining for me. Being present is a lot of fun. Its when you already know the person, via either the social media and real world, and just have to participate in whats going on. I can meet people and hug and jump into conversation with them. Being present is so amazing.

You can apply this online by just watching how people use twitter. Some people are JUST social. They broadcast and have no general interest in their community. That’s fine – the best thing about social media is that you get to choose how to use it. I get a lot more out of being present. You get to make genuine friendships and be helpful. Social media has helped transform my life and that only happened because I invested myself into my online presence.

Describe the key moments that moved you from “just blogging” to realizing you had something valuable to contribute?

As usual, Dave was involved in most of this. The key moment was the contact we had after I published that Problogger review. After I’d done a number of reviews it lost its power. The 30 Bloggers To Watch post went up early this year and I just didn’t care about the traffic and retweets because I was too busy creating a twitter list or fixing images. It meant nothing. I lost my mojo.

Then Dave helped my find the hook for the new version of my site. This helped me realize that I had something valuable to contribute via my blog and soon, my mailing list.

You talk about learning to lose control as an important turning point in your business? What helped you get to this point? And how has it enhanced your business?

I had to learn to lose control over two things:

how my message is spread
what Bill was doing

Now, Bill does the wordpress fixing and ebook designing. I’m very fickle with my blog and was very involved in the early work he did for me. Now I just say “I trust you, do whatever you think is best.” This was hard as we have differing views on most things. However, I usually love the stuff he does. I’ll sometimes have to ask for tiny edits, but thats it. Losing the control gives both of us more time to rock.

Now, I was very frustrated at the start of this year because I’d dropped off the radar. It seemed like no-one cared about me and that I had no message. I had to lose control of this feeling and just accept that people would only talk if there was something to talk about. It’s very weird how much your ego is tied up into how others perceive you.

What do you love the most about your business and the work you do?

I love that I’m able to get paid for helping people. It’s fantastic. I get so many DM’s and emails from people I have helped. I just helped a hiking friend make his first affiliate sale and he sent a enthusiastic, thankful message

It makes me feel good that I can leverage my skills and experience to make things easier.

I haven’t gotten through your whole course, but what I’ve read is straightforward, super-helpful and content-rich. What were some of the fears/challenges that came up as you were working on that product and how did you move through them?

I haven’t really talked about how much I struggled writing the course. Basically, I came back from a fabulous business trip to Sydney and had this huge depressive episode. My cat had died, an ex friend cracked onto me so bad that it made me question my sense of self and I was so exhausted from my trip to Sydney.

It got to the point where I hated it. I couldn’t stand writing it. Bill put up with so much ranting about it that by the end, he just said “Jade. What happens if you get like this with our other work?”

That really shocked me. We stayed up late and had a huge discussion about the business and the limitations my anxiety placed on me. We decided to change it, a lot, to fit around my ’stuff’. Bill was fantastic. We chose to focus on my own blogging work rather than targeting small businesses because that made me so happy.

This was really hard to do. I had to be brutally honest about stuff that I had never talked about. Symptoms that were really personal. I had to tell my best friend that and I hated that he saw that side of me. It was a huge challenge and if it wasn’t for Bill, I’m not sure there would still be a business. It’s been a rough year.

Funnily, I was never afraid that it wouldn’t sell. I knew it would. The sales have been disappointing, but that’s because I had an anti marketing strategy from the start. Things are picking up as I knew they would and I’m going to create ways for mavens to spread the word.

What words of wisdom do you have for people who are thinking about starting a business but are afraid or folks who are struggling with their business and contemplating giving up?

You’ll never accomplish anything if you let the fear define you. Its hard to separate genuine concern from the physiological response associated with fear. If you can do this, you can accomplish so much more because you know what you are able to push through.

Do you have a tatoo(s)? If yes, what are/is they/it? If no, what would you get if you were to get one?

I have this embarrassing fear of needles so no, I don’t have a tattoo. I’d like to as a way of challenging my anxiety but I don’t think I’d have the guys. If I was to get one, I’d get something personal that means a lot to me. I’m obsessed with nature so it would probably be an image of an obscure bird or flower.

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Are you inspired! Jade’s amazing and shared so many gems in this interview. I especially love what she said about being more present vs. social on social media and learning to lose control. Share in the comments what your favorite bits of Jade Wisdom!

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How Social Media Can Help You Trust Yourself

The experts are wrong when they say fear is one of the biggest obstacles between you and your business success.

Well, at least they’re only half right: lack of self-trust is the other half of the equation…Read more!

Read the rest of my guest post at Laura Roeder’s super-useful blog. Laura is great at de-mystifying social media and sharing really great tools to be yourself and connect with folks using social media.

In the post I share some suggestions for how you can use social media to trust yourself as you navigate the ups and downs of building your business, social justice project or any other creative endeavors and sharing it with the world.

Leave a comment, sharing what steps you’re going to take to use social media to move past your fears and build your self-trust. Check it out!

Enjoy!

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soul-powered sista**: an interview with kelly diels of cleavage (part 1)

*soul-powered sistas = connected to their inner well of faith, wisdom and courage; use their divine powers to nurse a tiny idea into a full-fledged thing you can touch.

Each week, I’ll feature an interview with a fierce, creative sista who’s successfully manifested a successful business. We’ll explore their entrepreneurial journey, lessons learned and challenges overcome…or not:-) Too often, we hear about the big launches and see the long list of testimonials from raving fans and miss all the hard work and heartache in between. These interviews with soul-powered sistas are intended to fill in the gap.

Kelly Diels’ writing is fierce.

During my Red Shoe Blogger session with her, I was pleased to discover that she’s just as warm, generous and passionate as her writing.

She runs her business the same way she writes her posts: her way. And she doesn’t care if she breaks a few “rules” along the way. What’s most important to her is coming from the heart.

Kelly started our conversation sharing: “It is my mission in life to delight (and be delighted).” And like all the faithful readers who look forward to her fresh new blog posts know, she always delivers. Enjoy!

IU: For people who don’t already know you, share what you do.

I’m a writer and a thinker. I dive in the deep waters of sex, money and meaning at my blog, Cleavage. Cleavage is a sexy word that means more than you think…it refers, of course, to my spectacular rack, and also to the social and personal cracks and fault lines that define our lives.

IU: What inspired you to start your businesses? What were the defining moments that led you to: “Okay, I’m going to do this”?

My relationship died a horrible, protracted death; I started a new job; I moved house; and then everything was basically fine. I had a nice job, nice house, no drama…and it was a life devoid of meaning. I felt like I was running in place and getting nowhere. I asked my sister, Isn’t there more? Is this all I’m here to do? To go to work and pay the bills and have martinis on Saturday nights? What is my legacy?

And I started a blog. Because I needed to write. I needed to create. I needed it all to mean something. I’m going to admit something a little grandiose: I started the blog and thought that of course, I’d end up famous.

I had no idea how to blog, I just thought my magical words would be enough. I had no plan. No business plan. Just pure intention and unrelenting effort.I did it “wrong”. I went all field-of-dreams…you know “if you build it, they will come” and that worked.

IU: Where did you find the courage to just trust your heart?

I didn’t have the courage NOT to trust my heart. My heart leads me around by the nose.

IU: Did you always believe in your writing?

I’ve always been a writer. I always knew there were books in me and in my future. I always knew this is who I am. But I ran away from it for a long time, because I though artists lived in attics or basements and starved.

Most of my life, I’ve heard from people that I am ‘too much”. Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too idealistic. Too free. Too risky. Too demanding. Too much work.

And it is only now, when I embrace all of those things, that people can ’see’ me.

I just had to write. I was always writing, but I never had an audience. And a friend of mine, Ricardo Scipio, who is a film-maker and a photographer, told me that art requires an audience. That landed with me. So, I was always writing. What switched in me last year was that I decided to give my writing a home and invite people over. I gave my art an audience.

IU: How did you hone your craft?

A lot of it is sheer instinct, but there’s a list of things that have been essential.

Reading voraciously.
Mimicry. I sometimes give myself little assignments to write in Margaret Atwood’s voice or Michael Ondaatje’s voice or Hemingway’s voice. When I do that, I get really intimate with the elements of their style. What techniques they’re using, what works.
Daily practice. Just write.

IU: Have you ever felt like you wanted to “quit” your biz or wonder if you had made the right decision in leaving your job and doing your thing?

I’m terrified on a regular basis. Some months I make a lot of money. Other months, not so much. I’d be less freaked out if it was just me, but it is me and my girls. I need to give them a life that is stable…so I worry. But I don’t regret it.

And the lack of a safety net is a great catalyst. I don’t have any writing gigs lined up for the summer, and that is forcing me to be creative.

IU: How do you deal with the stress?

My way of handling stress is perhaps not for everyone. I just acknowledge that I’m going to go, go, go until I can’t. I make peace with the fact that I’m going to break down every three or four weeks.

I’ll cry. I’ll call my friends. I’ll write copiously. I’ll go to bed for a day or get my hair done. And then I’ll get back atter.

IU: What book, movie, song, poems get your through those dips in life?

It varies. Right now, Soul Sister by Train. Listen to it constantly. Always go back to Ondaatje. His prose is poetry.

Bull Durham. It is so much more epic than it appears. It is covertly a film about The Goddess. In my opinion.

And Ani Di Franco. There are a couple of songs that I always return to: Little Plastic Castles and 32 Flavors.

IU: Do you have a “power” song? A song that re-connects you to the raw essence of who you are and pumps you up?

Clear by Kardinall Offishall.

IU: What helps to shift out of worry into creativity?

What is helping me is Radical Devotion. I have a few friends who are in the same business, who are radically devoted to me and I am to them. We’re in it, together.

We’re building our own empires, creating our own art, and at the same time collaborating and intimately involved in each other’s castles in the air.How can I fail when I have that kind of loyalty and devotion?

IU: Were these friendships that formed through social media? *

Yes! Isn’t that incredible? We *think* social media is frivolous and superficial – and it can be – but it is just another venue for “social”. And what is social if not the urge to connect and commune?

IU: It’s like we’re able to find our soul families and connect across time and space through the internet.

Randi Buckley tweeted a few weeks ago: if you were in a relationship with your business what would it be. I’d like to add to that. Describe the love affair between you and your biz, how did you 2 meet, what were the ups and downs, and what helped you get to where you are now?

My love affair with my business: actually, I like thinking about it like that. That’s making my business speak my language. My business might be more of a child than a partner, though.

I imagined it. I created it. I birthed it. And now, it is not wholly of me or my own. I nurture and take care of it and hope it will take care of me in my old age. It really is like a kid.

IU: What does soul-powered mean to you? I’m featuring you in an interview called soul-powered sistas and you so embody what I think it means to be soul-powered. I’m curious to hear how you’d define it.

Feels an awful lot like what I told you in the beginning of our conversation: that my heart leads me around by the nose. Soul-powered feels like the same thing. Being fueled by our spirits.

IU: Who are people, alive or not, that embody what it means to be soul-powered?

Danielle LaPorte. Randi Buckley. Lianne Raymond. My friend Dave Doolin. He’s not a sista. But he is soul-powered. Maya Angelou. Ani DiFranco.

IU: What’s one of the biggest challenges you’ve faced that ended up bringing you some cherished gifts?

I’ve learned so much from being a single mama. The way I treat my children is a lesson in how I ought to treat myself. I’m even applying that to my romantic life. If I wouldn’t want this person in my child’s life, then he doesn’t belong in mine! The way I love – not as a feeling, but as a practice – my children is a model for how I should love myself.

IU: What’s one piece of Kelly wisdom you’d give to a creative sista who wants to start her own biz?

Be ruthless. Realize you can’t do it all, and get rid of the non-essential stuff. Be willing to live with dishes on the counter and piles of laundry and raised eyebrows. And then dedicate yourself to doing Your Thing.And try to find people who will love you through the mess and be in it with you.

It doesn’t have to be a partner. A soul family in the ether will do, too.

____________________________

Fierce, right?

*Kelly got me thinking about social media and how you can really build authentic, supportive relationships online. Part 2 of this series will focus on how to move beyond networking and use your Tweets and status updates to build real connections and friendships. Subscribe to this blog to be sure you don’t miss it!

And if you’re interested in adding some zing and passion to your blog, check out Kelly’s Red Blogger sessions or better yet, see if she’ll be leading a workshop near you.

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how do you build a successful business? step-by-step!

“how does an ant eat an elephant? one bite at a time.” african proverb

Now I know you probably don’t want to eat an elephant. And didn’t think ants would either, but hey, you learn something new everyday.

I’m reading a book by Karin Abarbanel called Birthing the Elephant and it’s all about the challenges of starting your own business. (I’ll do a more detailed review when I finish it and get to test out some of her tools.)

It gave me an idea for a new feature I’m adding to my Facebook Fan Page.

This entrepreneurship-thing can be pretty uncomfortable and sometimes feel impossible.

Sometimes I’ve felt afraid that it wasn’t going to work out for me. And know some of my clients have too. Some people never even get started and move past their wishing and dreaming.

So back to Facebook, Everyday, starting today, I’m going to add a new action step to help you take baby steps towards building a successful business. All the successful entrepreneurs I know have one thing in common…they kept taking action. Join my fan page to receive your daily dose of action steps!

The first step is waiting for you…

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your greatest weaknesses = your greatest strengths

Weakness #1: I’m not good enough.

My fear that I’m not good enough is the biggest obstacle between where I want my business to be and where it is now . (Anyone with me on this? I hear it’s pretty common.)

I’ve compensated over the years by attending trainings galore and getting certified to facilitate empowerment, doula women through childbirth, coach folks through transformation and holistically counsel about health. The verdict: I’m not ready yet.

Back into the oven. This time I sprinkle in some reiki, reflexology and human design. Umm…still not ready.

I need to learn how to run a business. I find guru #1 who leads to guru #2 and a slew of others. Before you know it, I’ve got a “step by step” blueprint to create a million-dollar coaching practice if I so chose. But something doesn’t feel right.

I keep seeking, feeling my way through the darkness of my doubt. A few google searches and Facebook links later, I come across a new flavor of marketing I can gel with. Evelyn Lim…leads to Slade Roberson then Zen Habits and White Hot Truth. I’m inspired: I want to touch people with my words the same way I’ve just been moved.

Then I find Remarkable Communication, and Itty Biz and the Third Tribe and I believe in my dream again: I can actually make a living doing this thing that I love and ask for that money without feeling slimy.

So what’s holding me back?

Am..I…good enough?

Weakness #2: I’m Too Sensitive

Like any good therapist-in-training, this questions prompts another: when was the first time you felt you weren’t good enough?

I remember my first creative flop clearly. I didn’t just get 2 thumbs down, I literally got laughed at and broken down into a crying, defeated mess. I was in 5th grade.

It’s the night before the Young Author’s Conference at school. I’ve written a great story about a little girl who’s an undercover superhero. Her superhuman power is turning dejected kids who get bullied on the regular into world-famous superheroes. I’m super-excited and can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s face when they first read my masterpiece.

A story this great deserves an extra-special cover. So I ditch the pre-cut cardstock paper my teacher handed out in class and gather materials from around the house: an old cardboard box from the backyard, a pink and brown tie-dye dress that’s gettting too small for me, some cotton balls from my mother’s bathroom, glue and scissors.

I spend hours, cutting, stuffing, drawing and gluing. Before I know it, the full moon is out and it’s dinner time.

I walk into the dining room as if I’m walking down the red carpet with my one-of-a-kind book cover on display by my side.

“What is that?” my sister asks. “Ugly.” is my brother’s quick reply. Everyone bursts out laughing. Even my mommy.

I’m willing them away, but the tears ignore my desperate pleas. There’s no hope: I feel the first one trickle down my face. Followed by another. Then another. My shoulders shake uncontrollably and a downpour ensues.

My mother attempts to remedy the situation: “Stop crying, nne. Don’t be so sensitive. It’s not that big a deal! It’s just that you’re so creative, we’ve never seen a book cover like that.” My brother snickers.

I run out the dining room with my snotty nose, empty stomach and rejected book cover and lock myself in my room. I stop my tears by writing hateful things about my brother and terrible family.

Weakness #3: I’m an Escape Artist

Oh, the drah-ma! Wish I could say it was just my age, but my inner drama-queen still emerges from time to time. In fact she comes up every time I start writing a blog post or come up with an idea for my first product.

Even though I’m 35 now and supposed to be all grown up, I still stomp away from uncomfortable situations and lock myself in a room to sulk. Metaphorically speaking. (I mean I’m somebody’s mother now so I’ve got to act least act grown up about it).

Escape is still something I do very well. I’ve perfected it over the years. I can gather up my feelings and flee a threatening situation in a heartbeat. Super fast. Superhero-style.

In my business, escape looks like not starting my blog until my re-designed website is up. Then wasting 4 hours working on my new header instead of following Dave Navarro’s workbook and being half-way done with my first mini-product.

Escaping from life has its drawbacks too. I’ve ignored my bills to the point where pink envelopes started coming and I couldn’t withdraw $20 from the ATM. I’ve let people who “love me” continually disrespect my boundaries to the point it became abusive and hurtful. One of my escapades led to a debilitating yearlong depression: I lost my job, a bunch of weight and almost all motivation to live.

I’ve escaped and I lost faith that I’d find my way home.

Lesson learned? Too much escape is no good. I had spent so much time on the sidelines, I felt rusty and uncomfortable and “not good enough” when I came back into the game. Eventually life had to kick my butt to bring me back down to earth to face reality.

Checking out of life so often also affected my peace of mind. For one thing, I got so serious! (When did that happen? I used to be such a playful kid…)

I felt unfulfilled. My heart knew there was something missing. Its constant cravings were only satiated when I took steps – even baby steps – towards doing my thing.

Reality check: I don’t need another training or book or information product. I just need take action.

My Greatest Gifts = Self-doubt + “Too Sensitive” + Checking Out

There’s a flip side to all my issues. And there’s a flip side to yours too. It’s how we’re wired.

When I was running around trying to “fix” up my shadowy, “less-than-perfect” self, I was also pushing away the strengths they carried on their flip-side.

Think about one of your “issues” or “weaknesses”, whatever you call it…that thing about yourself that you’ve struggled with your whole life and you wish was different.

Now picture it as a coin. One one side are all the things you usually focus on: the “bad” things you wish were different.

On the flip side picture all the good stuff: the strengths and gifts and lessons learned that can make a difference to someone else.

For instance. My issue: I’m an introverted, highly sensitive person.

Often I’ve wished I were a bubbly, vivacious extrovert or a tough cookie who really meant it when she said: Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words will never hurt me.

But instead I’m me.

The weakness: I’m too sensitive, check out regularly and enjoy the boring, un-glamorous work of listening to people’s issues stories and learning about personal transformation.

I learned to accept myself out of sheer exhaustion. All the over-achieving and over-committing to “fix” myself, took A LOT of energy. (Important lesson #2 from depression: it’s so much easier to approve of yourself than try to kill yourself to win other people’s approval.)

The flip side: My introversion is a strength. Silence recharges me and reconnects me to an inexhaustible well of power. I’m on first name basis with all my fears, doubts, shame and neuroses. At Rumi’s suggestion I have tea with them often.

I can persevere through the rough times with the best of them. Personal transformation and people’s inner world turn me on. I’m passionate about healing and know the joy of witnessing (re)birth.

The gift: People can tell me things they’ve never told anyone before. Superhero-like escape artist skills help me listen deeply and make friends with their pain. My too-sensitive-crybaby is my compass. She prompts me to ask questions that help people feel their way through the murkiness.

Because I’ve traveled this road so many times on my own, my faith that they’ll find their way through lights their path.

We always find our way through. That, I have no doubt about.

What’s on the flip side of your “weaknesses”? Share it with me in the comments section:-)

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soul powered sista*: interview with jamyla bennu of oyinhandmade.com & exittheapple.com

*soul-powered sistas = connected to their inner well of faith, wisdom and courage; use their divine powers to nurse a tiny idea into a full-fledged thing you can touch.

Each week, I’ll feature an interview with a fierce, creative sista who’s successfully manifested a successful business. We’ll explore their entrepreneurial journey, lessons learned and challenges overcome…or not:-) Too often, we hear about the big launches and see the long list of testimonials from raving fans and miss all the hard work and heartache in between. These interviews with soul-powered sistas are intended to fill in the gap.

The first thing you notice about Jamyla is her smile. Then her beauty. And then how insightful and thoughtful she is. I first met Jamyla in an African dance class at Spelman yearrrssss ago! So a few weeks ago, I’m browsing through the web for some hair products and immediately recognized the bright smile, big healthy hair and signature freckles. I just had to re-connect with her and ask her to share her journey with us.

IU: I know you are involved in several entrepreneurial endeavors. Could you describe the different businesses you founded and run?

my husband pierre and i originally began working creatively together when i joined exittheapple, his arts collective/film production company. we did things like producing/directing independent films, holding writing/performance workshops, website design, screenprinting tee-shirts, and self-publishing. exittheapple is now the name of our brick&mortar boutique in baltimore where we sell art, books, tees, and oyin handmade products.

oyin handmade is a line of natural, handmade, luxurious and effective hair and body care products which we make and sell primarily online, in our baltimore boutique, and via selected retail partners.

IU: What inspired you to start your businesses? What was the defining, “okay, i’m going to do this” moment?

deciding to be entrepreneurial is linked for us with our marriage. we decided we wanted to work together and began hustling all our combined skills… basically in an attempt to spend more time together. LOL!

as a result, making it work was more a gradual growth than a defining moment – oyin handmade was our first and most clear financial success story – it initially came out of a hobby, answering a need i felt for my own hair in my typically crafty/creative way. since i was doing website design at the time, creating a little site for it was a no-brainer. when it began to take off, i needed help to keep up with the demand. pierre and i both began to work it more seriously, until one day we looked up and it was the bulk of what we each were doing!

IU: What were some of the money challenges and worries that you’ve faced while building your business? How did you move through them?

i think that beginning so casually is part of what helped us to operate on a cash-only basis from the start… there wasn’t a whole lot of pressure for the business to support us, so we were able to grow organically – and very slowly – over our first few years. for instance, we would purchase new equipment only when we could afford it out of the business’ profits. we’ve never taken on any business debt, not even a credit card.

IU: What are some of the hidden gems you’ve discovered by facing your money fears/worries/challenges?

we’ve learned to think outside of the box to look for the solution to a problem – it may not be the first or most obvious solution but thinking creatively has helped us to keep our overhead low over the years.

IU: Please finish the following prompts:
Money is…a tool. it’s a means, not the end.
Self care is…vital. it’s what makes life really rich.
Freedom is…love.

IU: Where can people go to connect with you and learn more about your products and projects?

well, we provide coupons at the end of each of our podcasts, viewable on our blog at oyinhandmade.com and at our youtube channel: youtube.com/oyinhandmade. we also periodically include coupons through our twitter account and our facebook fan page.

My coaching challenge: Get connected with Oyin Handmade. Then share in the comments, one of your biggest takeaways from her story and how you’re going to apply it to your business!

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Radical self-care tip #2: Smile for no reason

I’m 8 months pregnant and walking down the subway stairs slowly, dreading my morning commute.

As usual, New Yorkers are on their grind. They shove past me to avoid having the train doors close 1 inch away from their faces after a mad dash to the platform.

I brace myself against the railing and grit my teeth – praying for strength while I silently curse them out.

An older man leaning on his can for support while he lets the crowd pass through, notices my pained expression and whispers “Smile, honey. Life’s not so bad.”

ARGGGGGHHHH! I hate when people say that to me! Smiling is the LAST thing on my mind.

Years of Nigerian home-training about respecting my elders prevent me from uttering the snide remark on the tip of my tongue.

That incident happened years ago, but it really captures my feelings about advice to smile even when you don’t feel like. I mean I get it – life is short, live in the moment, you get to choose how you react to outside conditions – but really, sometimes hearing “don’t worry, be happy” actually makes me feel worse.

This short 6 minute clip changed all that for me. Seriously it will make you smile – a real smile, from deep inside. Let me know what you think in the comments. And if you enjoy it, share the love and pass it around to your circle:-)

’smile’ from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

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My Fire Starter Sessions Challenge: Wanna join me?

For the past 2 nights, I’ve stayed up past 4 am poring through Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions.

I didn’t mean to stay up so late, I just got caught up in the vortex of Danielle’s multimedia feast. I was having such a good time being inspired, writing notes to myself and saying “amen…i know exactly what you’re talking about right there!” – I didn’t even realize what time it was.

I’m the classic information junkie. I love books, bookstores and libraries the way my sister loves shoes. (And the tagline for her blog was: “shoe porn for shoe lovers” so that’s saying a lot).

I’m also an undercover perfectionist, so the more I learn, the more I want to learn and the more I believe I’m not ready to do x, y or z. (Sound familiar?)

At this point in my life – I’m aware of the different ways I trick myself into procrastinating. So I promised myself: this year, use whatever you purchase right away. No…I’ll do the worksheets this weekend or I’ll try that strategy when my website is re-designed. No…right here, right now, commit to 3 things you’re inspired to implement from this new info. And then DO IT.

Yesterday, I decided to up the ante. I’m so lit up by The Fire Starter Sessions, I’m challenging myself to dive into one of the 4 modules every week and share what it sparks in my business with all of you.

Wanna come along for the ride?

It could be a win-win for both of us.

How?

I’m sure I’m make “mistakes” and maybe you could learn from them.
I’m sure I’ll have huge shifts and maybe they’ll inspire you.
I’m sure I’ll give you bite-size tastes of Danielle’s brilliance and maybe you’ll feel moved to buy her book or at the very least subscribe to her blog if you haven’t already.

And...it’ll hold me accountable to actually do it or tell the truth about not doing it. Either way, it’ll keep me stretching and growing.

So here’s how it’ll work: each week I’ll give you the rundown of the module, followed my my hugest takeaways and then end with 3 inspired actions I’m committed to getting done by the following week. I’ll keep you updated on my progress during the week via twitter (I’m @IjeUde). And maybe you’ll even be inspired to take inspired actions of your own and share your results with me over here.

The Rundown
Module 1: strength + desire: define yourself on your own terms

This module covered:

the best & worst business advice
burning questions for self-discovery
how to stand in your present power
doing it the easy way by using your strengths
juicy interview with Dyana Valentine
and links, links and more links to: music playlists, Amazon bookstore, resources and blog posts

“If it doesn‘t light you up, you‘re not the right person for the job.” – Danielle LaPorte

My Mindshifts

Blaze your own path. Danielle is such a great role model for this. First off the design is so her. FSS doesn’t look like your typical e-book (cause it isn’t, but you know what I mean). The way that Danielle lays it out, uses a black & white tint on her videos and even names her chapters gives me permission to expand my idea of how things are “supposed to” look like and express my vision, my way.

Let your strengths lead you. When I have my one-on-one Liberation Sessions with clients, one of the things I do pick up on their strengths and base their marketing strategy around them. This module reminded me to do this for myself more and not feel guilty because it makes my work feel so easy.

Trust your feelings. As an entrepreneur, especially when you’re starting out, you get all this advice from people you admire and respect filled with step-by-guidelines and blueprints and lists of what you MUST do. This session encouraged me to take stock of what makes ME feel good and let those strengths guide me to finding my own path.

My EnergyShifts

You know how you feel when you’re wearing those jeans that hug your hips just right with some new sexy boots and you’re glowing like you just spent the day at the spa getting manicured, pedicured and massaged? Do you feel that way in your business?

The answer for me was a “Hellz no!” After module 1, I realized I’ve basically been looking in the mirror and saying: those boots I saw at Nordstroms would look so good with this outfit and I wish I could get my hair to do this or make time to go get my nails done. I haven’t been whipping together what I have right now into a “I know I look hot” outfit, you know?

After this module I realized that while I may not have the professionally-designed header I envision or 10,000 subscribers to my blog, I can still have a client tell me after just one coaching session that:

I’m still taking in all the nuggets of knowledge you shared with me yesterday, and it’s amazing! I loved how you listened and were immediately able to encapsulate the three main areas of my business, and help me by providing a framework for creating a system to start marketing more effectively. I definitely feel a lot less overwhelmed by marketing! – Lisa Chu

And that’s kinda hot!

My 3 Inspired Actions

Develop a cocktail line that turns me on when I say it.
Cut out one draining thing from my life.
Write an blog post outline on each of my 3 top desired feelings.

My coaching challenge to you: Click this link to check out Danielle’s Fire Starter Sessions and leave me a comment about what you think.

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How To Start Your Morning Off Right

Radical self-care tip #1: Use music to start your morning off right.

I’m not a morning person.

I’ve had to fake it for the past 8 years because I’m a single mom and my son pries my eyes open till I get out of bed.

I’ve adapted a nice little trick our body uses called a “coupled reaction” to make my mornings easier. When the body has to do something that requires a lot of effort, it couples it with a reaction the body loves to do naturally to make it easier.

Now I love music. I could be in the worst mood, hear a song I love and before I can help myself start grooving and forget about being upset. So every few months, I come up with a “Good morning” playlist I can turn on the second it’s time for me to get out of bed.

I like to start out with slow jams and build up to dance grooves so I can lay in bed, then slowly make my way to the bathroom. By the time I’m putting my clothes on, I’m singing and dancing. I’m still not a morning person but my little routine makes it easier to get out of bed.

So here’s my coaching challenge for you: create your morning soundtrack. Spend 5-10 minutes putting it together and try it out this week. Okay?

Let me know in the comments what songs you’ll put on your playlist.

Have a great week!

Here’s my playlist: